The Beast

I truly realised today that I don't control my money, it controls me. I'm not looking for advice about this, just saying that I've looked the beast in the eye and I'll 'av it. Oh yes I will.

I get into this painful, horrendous spiral with money. I fly close to the edge with my overdraft constantly, scraping by and it's just by pure luck that I'm not constantly going over my limit. I say pure luck, but there is an enormous amount of juggling going on behind the scenes, endless mental calculations to make sure I can "get away with it". Though there is a whole heap of denial thrown in for good measure, or bad measure, you get the picture.

Money destroys people, it is eating away at me and at my relationships.

My head is awash with this today and I've found my brain doing it's usual trick of denying that the world exists by attempting to send me to sleep (quite literally). 

This past year we've been going to counselling and that has changed a lot of things, not least of all my thought processes and the way I express myself (which was considerably lacking previously - though it's a skill I'm still learning, slowly and very painfully). I've discovered that I have an overwhelming desire to sleep when things get too "messy" or painful for me to deal with or feel that I can cope with.

Money was one such trigger this morning. Though I didn't fall asleep this time (though I desperately wanted to); I got angry, that's quite new, still bloody tiring though.

I don't know what the answer is, how I'm going to be able to manage money any better, but I need to find a way for my sanity and to get rid of this cycle, this tedious, painful, crushing cycle.